A Glimpse of My Brain Being Attacked By Panic

This is an interesting post for me to write, friend.

Honestly, it feels kind of insane.

I didn't want to share it. I didn't want to write it. But Spirit kept telling me to write. She nudged me gently yet powerfully. She said "the world needs to hear this. Someone needs to hear you. They're going to hear you."

Insane. It all feels so strange. Normally I reference the Universe. Who is Spirit? I think she's one of my guides. I don't know her name, but I can feel her tonight. She's really powerful. I can tell she really cares.

There are so many doubts about this post. I really didn't want to publish it but she begged me to.

I tried to walk away from my laptop. I thought maybe writing out my panic attack as it was happening was just a form of therapy for myself and that I could tuck it away in my drafts forever. "No," Spirit keeps saying. "This is important."

It doesn't feel important. It feels like nonsense. What if people see this post? Right now it's quiet in my corner of the internet. Only a small handful of friends read my blog and only sometimes. Who can blame them when there's actually more engaging content they could play around with rather than read my blog?

What if my job sees this post? They'll think I've lost my mind. What if future employers see this? Oh no, no, no. What if old enemies from high school see it and start laughing behind my back? It's what they did best.

This feels too scary. Too vulnerable. But Spirit wouldn't let me walk away. She pushed me right back.

So, even though this feels terrifying, I'm sharing this experience with you. Granted, it's on point with my brand and my blog. It's all about life and my yoga journey and this is all part of it.

We live in a digital world of highlight reels. This is no highlight.

But it's important. It's real. The Yin and the Yang. It's all about balance. I can preach about love and light but I can't neglect the darker stuff too. Yes, yogi, it's okay to feel it all.

I hope you listen to this. I hope a message shines through. Spirit thinks there's something here and I don't want to disappoint her even though I sound insane right now. I'm feeling kind of dark at this moment. Maybe a bit disconnected.

I experience panic attacks and anxiety attacks. I’ve been taking strides to heal my mental health and thrive. For a while, I was improving. I thought I was healing a lot. They've been happening more recently again. I've been experiencing broken sleep and waking up with anxiety. There's almost like a buzzing around me. It's not fun.

Maybe it's all part of the quarter-life crisis? Who knows.

Below is a series of thoughts that came from my panic attack. I just wrote. I wrote without questioning myself and let everything flow out of me until I felt content.

Some sentences might not make sense to you. That's okay. It was a lot for me to make sense of and those are my own thoughts.

I didn't proofread it too deeply because I wanted to leave it as raw as possible. I used Grammarly to fix the essential mistakes so you'd be able to read it more smoother. It's a lot. It felt heavy. But It's important.

Welcome friend to my brain during a panic attack...

Words.

Words everywhere. Word vomit? Word tornadoes?

Thought spirals. Panic attack.

Screaming. Screaming at the top of my lungs.

Screaming sentences that made no sense. I was imagining scenarios.

Is it all in my head?

The thoughts aren't stopping.

Just breathe. Power through it. You're always like this. This is normal. It's part of life.

Step into your power. Meditate. Just do yoga and you'll feel better.

I'm angry. Really angry. My eyes are itchy.

Nothing is making sense.

I tried. I did all the things. I calmed my breath. I used an ice pack, I told myself it was okay. I brought out the essential oil roller.

It didn't work. Nothing worked.

I was screaming. I'm still angry.

No music or podcast would help. The silence wasn't right either.

I want to talk to people special to me and have them pour love into me but no one understands. I'm not going to tell them what's going on because I can't express it.

These emotions are bigger than I am. I'm not going to shrink them down just to get a shred of comfort.

It's lonely. It doesn't make sense. I'm angry.

It won't stop. It keeps spiraling. I'm angry.

What's beneath that anger? Hurt. Why am I hurting? I feel misunderstood. What am I, some angsty teenager? "no one understands me". Oh, please.

And yet...I can't make the connection I need. I feel all alone in some moments. Stop asking me if I'm okay. You wouldn't understand my pain.

Dramatic. Always dramatic. Brush her off, she'll get over it. It's just life. What does someone like you have to be sad or anxious about?

My thoughts aren't getting clearer.

More words. Words from books. Please, self-help books, give me some form of advice.

My brain refuses to retain the words. I can't focus. It's like thick smoke and fog are surrounding my brain.

It feels chaotic. It feels uncertain. I don't even know where I'm going with this.

Some things feel too vulnerable to share. I can't put it all into words. Not when these feelings are so large and seem unfathomable. I can't risk being more misunderstood.

Write. Write it all out. Write even if your hand can't keep up with your thoughts. Why is this what feels right?

No one is listening. Who is listening?

You're fine. Stop asking if I'm okay. Who am I even talking to?

It's confusing. Is this supposed to be poetic? I'm angry. It's not pretty. It doesn't make sense. Why are you trying to make sense of me?

You're laughing. You think this is gibberish worth laughing at. My emotions seem small to you. I'm just being dramatic.

That's what it always boils down to anyway isn't it? Oh, dramatic Camryn and her "anxiety". She'll be fine.

Are you okay? Stop asking me.

Stop asking me! Stop it!

No, I'm not being fair. Someone understands. Someone has to understand. Emotions go too deep. Is it really that deep? I don't understand.

Keep writing.

Don't stop.

This isn't a journal entry. I'm trying to type. I'm trying to express. It doesn't make sense.

I was screaming before. I screamed really loud. It hurt. No one heard. I made sure no one heard.

Are you okay? No. Yes. No. I'm here, aren't I? I'm doing everything I'm supposed to.

Just trust your path, trust your experiences. Learn from them.

I'm learning. I'm growing. Why am I angry? It's not stopping.

My breathing is steady. I think I can interact with people like nothing is wrong.

Nope, angry again. I'm being unfair. Should I have done that? I won't lose any sleep over it. Actually, I might because I can't fall asleep right now.

Move your body. I tried. It's too much. Too much emotion trying to move through. It's scary. Release. I can't release. I want to feel a true release. That's scary.

Please, untie the knot in my chest. I can't breathe. It's traveling up to my throat.

Ground yourself in the present. This is too chaotic.

Step into your power. You're more powerful than you know. So why do I feel like this.

It's not fair. It's lonely. It's too big. No one understands. Someone has to understand. Why does no one understand when I need them to? It isn't fair.

Life isn't fair? Why? That doesn't seem fair. People deserve so much better. Why is it like this? Why am I like this? Is something wrong with me?

No, I have to be the perfect one. I can't have issues. I made them up. I just want attention. No, that’s not true. Where is this coming from?

I'm angry. I'm scared. It hurts. It's too big. Make it stop.

I want to find stillness. Everything is moving too quick. No, I don't want to meditate, It seems so easy for you to suggest but you don't get it/ Who am I talking to?

I keep making scenarios up. It's all made up. Did I make all of this up?

Is this what panic feels like?

I Was screaming. I screamed so loud. No one heard me. Can you hear me now? It hurts. It's too big, I don't understand. I want to understand. I want to feel love.

Love, Unconditional love. Can I give that to myself? Does someone love me unconditionally?

I forgot to make phone calls today. I'm so stupid for that. I forgot to call people that love me. They needed to hear from me. Are they okay? I wasted food too. I take everything for granted.

No that's not true. I'm grateful. I'm appreciative. She's going to shame me if she finds out. She's so mean to me. I'm scared.

I'm not stupid. No. That's not kind. Where am I going with this? I want it to stop.

I can't stop—the words. There are so many words. Are these even real sentences? Wow. A poem. So artsy. No one cares.

This doesn't make sense. Welcome to my brain. It hurts sometimes. No one understands. Someone has to understand. Do you understand?

I didn’t do enough. I am enough? I am enough. It’s okay. It’s okay. Don’t ask me if I’m okay. It’s okay.