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Learning to Stop Defining My Worth By My Productivity and Using Reiki To Heal Allergy Fatigue

Hey Yogi,

How are you today? Not how you think you should be. Not how you want to feel. Without judgment, how are you?

I’ve been feeling really out of balance lately. Throughout my healing journey, grounding and balance have been big recurring themes to heal through.

Here’s what's going on

For the past few years, it seems like almost every single month I get sick to the point where I have to call out of work for one to two days and then spend my off days cocooned in my room. I’ve been finding myself sleeping all day, eating very little, and finding myself not wanting to engage with others.

Of course, this isn’t fun in a physical sense because I doubt anyone enjoys being sick, but it’s also really frustrating since I tend to have issues with defining my worth by my productivity.

I practice the mantras “My productivity does not define my worth” and “Doing more does not make me more” but now that I’ve had to call out for multiple days in a row for the second time within a month-long period, I’m beating myself up pretty harshly.

My negative inner dialogue tells me that my bosses will now hate me and think I can’t do my job to its fullest extent. And as a full-time fitness instructor with no one to cover my classes when I call out, I feel like I’m letting potential participants down. Has anyone even remotely expressed these emotions? No. It’s strictly inner dialogue.

But at the same time, how am I supposed to properly perform a job that comes from a place of love and healing if I’m physically and mentally fatigued? I always say, “You can’t pour from an empty cup” and I keep finding that my cup is drained.

Heck, even going beyond work I want to live my life to the fullest. I want to explore Disney and little coffee shops downtown and fill my off days with marvelous adventures and yet, I sometimes find my body to be too heavy to move out of bed. Even though I know rest is important, my inner critic is chastising me that I can’t work or have fun properly.

Along with this toxic mindset of defining my productivity and worth together, I’ve been battling with a lack-mindset.

I normally preach an abundance mindset. I believe everyone should know they are enough just as they are! (And this is still true no matter how we’re currently feeling, you are enough!!) But it’s really hard to feel like I’m enough just as I am when I’m not performing to my full ability.

Why? Because if I’m not doing the things that I need to do, then I’m not making money. And if I’m not making money, I can’t properly support myself. So how can I be enough as I am even when I am sick? Even when I’m not giving into the world‘s demands of me? How can I properly support myself to get through life?

These aren’t fun thoughts to have. I know I’m not alone. I also know spiritually, I am enough. But if I call out sick too many times while living paycheck to paycheck in this capitalistic world that also defines me by my productivity…yeah, that’s pretty scary.

The thing is, I’ve always had enough. Even on the weeks that I’ve been sicker and didn’t make as much money, I’ve always had the means to cover my bills. Sometimes there were only a couple of dollars left in my bank account but there was always enough. I have that reinforcement telling me that there is enough and yet I’m still struggling to channel that abundance.

This may be because of the toxic mindset my family had around money growing up. They constantly preached a lack mindset and were panicked about finances despite always having enough to make ends meet and then some. Hence mindset.

My current feelings could also stem from my family teaching me that my value is placed on how much I can perform and produce, especially regarding school and post-grad life.

Enough backstory. Here we are in the present.

The Healing Practice I Chose

In the thick of this allergy fatigue and brain fog, I woke up feeling really sad and overwhelmed. I thought to myself if I can’t even go to work when I’m supposed to and I keep letting everyone down, how can I even be worth anything? Is it even worth doing this cycle every day of just working to survive?

Besides, I thought to myself, it seems like the world only wants me to feel better so I can produce more from them. Sometimes it feels like nobody wants me to heal just because I’m enough as I am, but because of what they want from me.

It took a while for me to shake these thoughts and acknowledge that it was just my fear talking because yes, the world is a stressful place to be in right now but I also know I have spiritual practices to lean on during times like these.

I decided I needed a really deep healing practice. I turned on a chakra healing singing bowl playlist, laid out multiple crystals around my yoga mat as well as affirmation cards, and massaged myself in grounding essential oils.

I started laying flat on my back with a copper piece in one hand and an African bloodstone crystal in the other and started tuning in to Reiki energy. I then placed both of the crystals on my belly as I began to put my hands in various Reiki spots around my body. As I did that, I felt the crystals on my belly getting heavier and creating a strong energy pull.

I also started noticing that my lower chakras were speaking quite clearly to me throughout this Reiki session.

The Journey

I’ve had to do a lot of throat chakra work these past several years because I have seen firsthand how damaging a blocked throat chakra can be. Because of that, thyroid issues run in my genetics and I never want to flip that gene on.

As I placed my hands over that area, I felt gratitude pouring from that space. The energy thanked me for the amount of healing and progress that I had made with my throat chakra. It honored the preventative care measures I’ve been taking. I’ve been allowing myself to speak my truth; my Satya.

Then I moved down to my heart chakra where I had also tucked in my beloved flower lace agate crystal. I felt calm and then I heard a voice stating I was ready to go through the intense healing process that was about to unfold. All I had to do was breathe and work through it.

With that message in mind, my palms reached my solar plexus chakra. I’ve been focusing on solar plexus work. I’ve been connected to the color yellow and I feel that my spirit guide is also connected to that color and chakra.

I’ve been using the mantra “I am radiant” and I’ve been channeling my divine feminine creative energy. My goal is to allow the bold from the chakra to flow freely so I can live fearlessly, beautifully, and creatively. I’ve been seeking to trust my gut and live as I believe I’m meant to, not what others seek for me. As my hands were over the chakra I just felt gratitude and laughter and cheerfulness.

But then my hands slid to my sacral and root chakras. Why both at the same time? Because they were both saying the exact same thing to me. They felt this sense of lack and insecurity. Insecurity about money and the future.

The Journey - My Inner Child

And as I listened to this frantic energy stemming from the chakras I also got an image of my inner child. It was an image that I had never seen before but it was me as a little girl crying about money.

As I had said before, my family has a toxic money mindset. I was told constantly that there wasn’t enough even though there always was. But as a tiny child, I couldn’t understand that. I’d find myself stressed, wondering if we would have enough.

My inner child was crying and she was scared of the present. I’m currently living paycheck to paycheck. She cried that everything would fall to pieces and that I would lose everything that I built so far. She was so scared of being forced back into a toxic home.

I told her that I’m doing my best and I will provide for us. I stated that there’s always enough even when it’s scary. I have no choice but to figure it out…that’s what Adulting is.

My inner child, sacral chakra, and root chakra began to calm down a bit after that.

I finished up my Reiki hand placements and then went into a Yin yoga practice. I focused on breathing through my nose as I welcomed big openings throughout my body. I kept repeating “I release what no longer serves me.”

The Results

It was a confrontational practice. I was on the verge of tears for most of the time. As I entered each yoga pose, I would be greeted with intense sensations and a little bit of resistance. I mean, after all, my body's been showing me that all it wants to do lately is resist. Spiritually, that’s the reason for my allergies and eczema.

After about an hour and a half total of this cleansing and healing practice, I stepped off my mat feeling rejuvenated. My brain fog started to lift and I even felt excited to open my laptop and write about this experience when more often than not lately, I can’t find the clarity to engage in these sorts of activities.

Now, my next step is to figure out why I am experiencing such a misalignment.

After doing a tarot reading I got some insight that I might be putting too much on my plate all at once and that is what’s causing me all these ailments. That really speaks to the feeling that my worth is defined by my productivity, doesn’t it?

Healing is a journey, yogi, and I hope you find the courage to dive into yours as well.

Sending you love and light,

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